MLS expanding to Philly...er, Chester

Here’s a story you WON’T be reading about in the Inquirer or Daily Local.

 

 

 

CHESTER, Pa. (AP) -- Men's professional outdoor soccer will make its return to the Philadelphia area in 2010 after a three-decade absence.

 

Major League Soccer officials and Gov. Ed “Fast Eddie” Rendell announced plans for the league to set up a new franchise along the waterfront of Chester, a once-proud manufacturing city trying to turn its fortunes around.

 

State officials hope the franchise will be a key part of a $414 million revitalization effort for the waterfront of Chester, an economically struggling city southwest of Philadelphia.

 

Earlier this month, Rendell announced $47 million in public funding for the 18,500-seat, soccer-only stadium. The rest of the plan calls for a convention center as well as commercial, retail and residential space.

 

Rendell noted that there has been criticism of using public funds for the stadium, but he said the impact of the sports franchise on the troubled city's psyche could not be quantified.

 

C.E Wolff, long-time suburban Philadelphia resident, expressed some mild concerns with the choice of location. "Chester!  What the f**k...What other locations in the area made the short list?  Coatesville?  Camden?  the 2 blocks in and around the Italian Social club in downtown West Chester?  Maybe Baghdad should get an MLS franchise next."

 

“Hey, I’ve already been in the line of fire...That f*cker Eric Stuart popped a cap in me in 1986 and that goddamn bb pellet is still lodged in my chin.”  

 

Mr. Wolff goes on to add, "This is a total clusterf*ck.  The only way I'm going to see a game in Chester is if the tix are free, the cheerleaders are nude, and the stadium is BYOB.  How do I get there?  Where do I park?  Sure, I could drive down in my cira '78 Eagles bego, but I would have to up-armour that b*tch or trade it in for a used V-shaped Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicle.  I sure as h*ll am not bringing my family down to a game!  Maybe I could persuade my Eagles posse to drive down, but that group is collectively the biggest bunch of pussies in the tri-state area." 

 

"Tell the j*ck*ss architect designing the stadium to add a Delilah's or Thirsty Camel annex and I might reconsider my position.  Also, tell the coach my services are available if the team needs an own-goal scoring specialist willing to chop-down "Chuckie style" any scoring threat the opposing team puts on the field.  I was the Dave Schultz of the Centennial league.  I may not be able to cover 40 yards in 30 seconds, but it won't matter if I insert my knee you into your nuts.  You also may want to evaluate Jimmy O'Hora for this role.  Now stop bothering me....”